Karen Obsessed
by ArtemisMisteriosa
Summary: Since the moment Jim confessed he used to be in love with Pam, Karen is obsessed about them together. A random moment in a dressing room marks the beginning of a change in her obsession. Fem/slash KAREN/PAM
1. Chapter 1

KAREN:

I am so sick of this.

No, seriously. I am sick of it.

It hasn't even been a week since Jim told me about the feelings he used to have for Pam, and about their kiss, and about the friendship, and yadda yadda. And I haven't stopped obsessing about it ever since. And I am already sick of it.

This is ridiculous. Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I ever be the first choice for someone?

I have been in a number of failed relationships in the past. In some of them, I was more invested than the guy was, and he just got out of the way. I have been very much in love in the past, and I have had a relationship with the man that I loved, and it still didn't work out. So when I decided to take a chance with Jim, and actually move to Scranton to be close to him, I thought that the fact that I was NOT completely in love with him yet, was a good thing. It was going to keep me safe. I liked him a lot, this was fun, and I really wanted to push it and move it forward, because it seemed like something good would come from it. But I was not head over heels, passionately in love with him, not yet. So, I figured, I couldn't get my heart broken (not too badly, anyway.) He did not matter that much to me...yet. So, why am I feeling like shit now? Just because he told me about this other girl he used to love? Oh, and because I have to sit here and see her nine hours a day?

Hmmm...let's examine my own feelings. What hurts? Am I afraid of losing him, or am I just pissed at him? Does my heart hurt, or is it just my pride?

Look at her. In her stupid little cardigan and pastel-colored shirt. She is like this big hit at the office, and I honestly don't understand why. I guess they haven't had any really hot girls work here, ever, so they have to settle for Pam. I mean, she is not ugly, but she is not what I would consider HOT.

I guess it's the "sweet factor", she's got that working for her. Even when she is secretly making fun of someone, like Michael or Dwight, she still looks and sounds sweet like an angel, and guys really can't see past that. But I can. Especially now that I know that she kissed my boyfriend.

I see things in her now, all these little cutesy movements, and I convince myself that they're all aimed to try and entice Jim. I am making myself sick. She is just answering the phone and saying her neutral standard greeting, right? Or is she changing her intonation and secretly winking at Jim, trying to make herself look attractive to him? And why is he looking at her and smirking?

I could just stand and punch them in the face, both of them.

Everything Pam does and says now seems fake to me. I feel convinced that the only person she cares about in this entire workspace is Jim, and he's the only one she is ever honest with, and genuinely nice to. To the rest of us, she's putting up a smiley, fake front. But with Jim, she is honest. God, it kills me that I cannot just slap her in the face and yell at her, "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!", and tell her to stop it. I don't need anyone to humor me and pretend to be nice. And especially not this dumb little bitch.

I walk into the bathroom, and as I wash my hands, I take a look at myself in the mirror. My hair looks good, and my face looks good, and I have good eyes and good lips. Why in the world would Jim prefer her? I stop myself, thinking that technically, Jim is still my boyfriend, and that should be an indication that he prefers me...But it doesn't seem to convince me. In my head, the moment Jim admitted that he had feelings for Pam, was the moment when she won him and I lost him, and it's only a matter of time until he realizes that and it's all out in the open.

He's going to leave me for her, or I am going to break up with him AND push him towards her. I've already given up in this stupid relationship. What is the point?

I fix my bangs and I wonder if my suit fits me as good as I thought it did. In my own eyes, I look pretty hot. But even when Kevin and the other guys talk about the girls in the office, it seems to be a pretty hard choice between Pam and me. Is it because she wears skirts and I wear pants? I thought I still looked pretty feminine. Even more, I think it's sexy in a woman to be in masculine clothes. There is something about the contrast of male/female, something about the dark, severe lines of a pant-suit dressing the curves of a girl...In other words, I always thought I looked good. Better than the cardigan girl. But still, no one seems to see it that way.

As you see, I am driving myself crazy.

I don't know of any other offices that stop work in the middle of the day to drive to the Mall. This is pretty ridiculous, but apparently, because my Boss is having relationship troubles, we all have to go to the Steamtown Mall with him, as part of his "Women Appreciation" Seminar. Ah, the stupidity of this! Especially the ride up there, in Meredith's crappy van, that she has almost crashed three times in twenty minutes. I really hope we make it to the Mall alive.

We actually do, and I feel a little better. That is, until we are sitting at the Food Court talking with Michael abouit his problems with Jan. I'm not even sitting next to Pam, but I still feel her presence really strongly, and everything she says or does bothers me. I seem to thihk that Michael and Jan can work on their issues, and she seems to think that they need to break up. What are you trying to say? That there's no fixing a relationship? That the moment there is a little issue, you should just give up and find somebody else? I bet you would LOVE IT if Jim and I did exactly that, wouldn't you? It sounds like we're not even talking about Michael anymore. You mean that Jim and I should break up.

I try to stop myself AGAIN. I am going nuts.

About a half hour later, in a bizarre twist of events, we all find ourselves in a Victoria's Secret store. This is absolutely messed up, a Boss buying lingerie for his female workers. But I guess there's no shame in looking at clothes, even if I have no intention of letting Michael pay for them, right?

I'm about to walk in one of the fitting rooms with a couple of bathing suites, when something happens that stops me cold.

Pam is in one of the dressing rooms.

She hasn't realized that the door is not properly closed.I can't see her figure, but I see her reflection in the mirror through the cracked open door.

I should fix the door or say something, but I just stand there, looking. Her back is to me. She is trying on a light blue bra.

Her reddish hair falls on her shoulders and her curls move as she is undoing the bra. I really should stop looking, but I can't seem to do anything else but stare. I don't know why.

I don't know why, I want her to turn. She takes off the bra, but I still only see the back of her, and she is wearing pants. I want her to turn or at least show me the side. I want to see her breast. I want to see her naked breast.

She bends to pick up her own bra, and she angles her torso in a way that allows me, all of a sudden, to see her nipple.

There it is.

Feeling completely satisfied in my insane, sudden curiosity, I react and rush into my own dressing room, and close the door. When Pam hears movement, she realizes her door wasn't closed and she fixes that...Thankfully, I am already out of her sight. I sit down in my dressing room and I try to breathe. I have no intention of trying on any clothes now.I need to gather my thoughts and figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and since when have I become a pervert who spies on women at lingerie stores.

It's been only a day since we went to the Mall, and it's been the weirdest 24 hours ever.

I don't know if the dressing room incident completely messed me up or something, but I had a dream about Pam last night.

Me! About PAM! What the hell?

I should probably tell Jim, I think, and I smile to myself knowing that I will die before I admit something like this to him. But wait, wouldn't he find it hot, and blah blah...? Oh whatever. I'm not going to work on that angle of things for him. He cannot have us both. I am not gonna provide those mental images, either.

On the other hand, I DID have a strange dream.

There wasn't really any nudity in it, though. We were just in the same room, on twin beds, like at camp, or something. And Pam suddenly got out of her bed, and she was wearing pajamas, and she just got inside MY bed, without asking my permission. I wondered if I should fake being asleep or something, but she knew that I was awake, and I knew she knew. She just came inside my bed and pressed her body against mine, and said: " Come on...isn't this what you wanted?".

And I don't know what happened after, but I seemed to have the memory of feeling really aroused. In the dream, of course. Only in the dream?

That feeling of arousal hasn't really left me all day. It is so weird. I am typing things in my computer, apparently working hard, but my head is very far away. Even though I look like I am concentrating, I am keeping a very close watch on both Jim and Pam. I have been doing that since Jim told me he liked her...but today it's different. I still want to strangle her, but she has also acquired some new color in my head, something has shifted. I don't know.

I wonder if it is my desperate control issues, taking over. Is that what it is? I want to control everything in this world, so I am making myself be somewhat attracted to Pam, so I can be the puppet master and in case she and Jim DO get together, I can somehow control what they do and be involved as well?

Is it about power? When I saw her in the dressing room, I was dressed and she was naked. Maybe I just felt powerful because I had the shield of my clothes, and I wanted to see her in an defenseless position, nude, vulnerable. Maybe that's all this is.

Or maybe, plain and simple, I just wanted to see her boob. I was in the right place at the right time, and before I could think about what I was wishing, I just plain wanted to see her naked. Is it about vulnerability? Or is it about desire?

Am I even allowed to be remotely turned on by this?

Pam crosses in front of me, taking some papers to Michael's office. For a split second, I look at her shirt and I think: "I KNOW what's under there. I've seen it".

The thought does make me feel powerful. So, it must be about power, and not about attraction.

About an hour or so later, my brain is ready to explode. I have been staring at the computer nonstop, trying to numb myself instead of thinking dirty thoughts, and it has worked. But now I really need a break. I walk over to Jim's desk and tell him we're gonna go get coffee. He grabs his blazer and comes with me. We're making small talk, as usual, and I find some comfort in that. Maybe things aren't as weird as I am making them out to be. The last thing I see before we leave the office is Pam, staring but pretending she is not staring, from her desk. I grab Jim's arm and I glare at Pam shamelessly; everything about my actions is making a statement: He's mine, and not yours, deal with it. But when my eyes meet Pam's eyes, I feel again that blur of arousal sensations, and it's almost as if this wasn't about Jim anymore, just about Pam and me: the two of us.

It's been almost a week, and things seem to have gone back to normal. I haven't had any more dreams, I have blocked any weird thoughts, and I have decided that Pam is still a bitch, and that's all there is to the story.

On the other hand, things with Jim are still okay. There are no ups or downs, our relationship just sails through pleasantly...it is a little dull, but that's the way Jim is. Or that is the way we are together. I don't know. We haven't been intimate in a while, but that's okay with me. He hasn't said anything and I am not really feeling it these days, so we don't have a problem.

Since it's Friday, a whole bunch of us have decided to go to Poor Richard's for drinks. We're all sitting along a big table, having cheap beers and cheap wings, and it is almost kind of fun. I'm just downing the Yuenglings like there's no tomorrow, and the more I drink, the funnier that everything sounds to me. I notice Pam sneaking glances in my direction, and I wonder if she's just looking at me because I'm sitting next to Jim, or if it is because I have been ignoring her in a very obvious way for the last week, and she must be wondering what the hell is wrong with me. She even came to my desk earlier today, to bring me some photocopies, and she awkwardly asked if I was okay, if everything was okay. I pretended I didn't hear her, just took the copies and mumbled "thanks", without looking at her.

With my senses somewhat altered by the alcohol, I start to sneak glances at her as well. She's drinking and her cheeks have some color, and her eyes are sparkling, and I understand how Jim could think she is cute. Especially when she laughs in that innocent way. I could see how that is cute, yeah.

She gets up and goes to the bathroom. I am drunk, and keeping a very close eye on her. I realize that I am standing up too, and timing my movements very specifically, so I will cross paths with her when she gets out of the bathroom and I go in. Again, I don't know why I am doing this. But the beer has taken away my inhibitions, and I am just acting, not thinking. Seriously, what do I expect? That I am gonna break into her stall and see her naked again? That I'm gonna push her face against the wall, cover her taller body with mine and feel her up and down? That I'm gonna be, like in the movies, ripping her shirt open and biting her neck, and she is gonna react just right and sigh really loudly, and ask me for more?

WHY am I even having these thoughts?

Whatever the reason is, as a result of these thoughts I am completely turned on when I do cross paths with Pam. Instead of letting her exit the bathroom before I enter it, I meet her halfway under the door frame, and she has to squeeze past my body, and I feel like I just eat her with my eyes. It is a very intense look. She says "oh, I'm sorry", and initiates a coy smile, and I feel my own right hand going to her hip. I mask my movement as something I'm doing to help her get out and help me get through the door. But I leave my hand on her body longer than I need to, and again I stare into her eyes, while inside I am screaming at her: "I COULD FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW". I don't know if she notices or not. But her chest is barely touching mine, I wish I was taller so I could be more intimidating.

Within a second, she is gone and I am alone in the bathroom. And once again, something in my lower stomach, or even lower, seems to have a pulse. I can't walk around being this turned on all the time.

Later in the night, we all keep drinking and having fun. Jim and Pam are laughing about some inside joke, and I observe them with my beer in my hand. Ordinarily, I would be too busy being jealous of Pam and worrying about their chemistry together. But drunk as I am, and given my thoughts as of lately, I am just wondering what would they look like in bed together. Or what would she look like in bed. Or what would it be like to be in bed, with her.

I have never felt this way before, in my entire life. I feel like a loaded gun. How could I be this horny and not know it? And how funny is it that Pam is the one who would wake me up to it? Pam, of all people.

I start a mental list of all of her flaws. All of the little things that make her NOT perfect. Her lips are too thin. Her teeth aren't completely white and straight. She looks tired all the time, has bags under her eyes.

Even though I am listing bad things about her, I realize that I don't care. Every item in the list is actually a plus, in a messed up way: " I don't like this about you, but I still want to do you".

We all get out of the bar into the humid Summer night. People are exchanging hugs, and my head is spinning. I am standing next to Jim, who is talking to Pam, as usual, and saying something like "Good night, Beasley". They hug briefly, with only one arm. Then Pam looks at me, unsure of what to do next. I can tell she doesn't know if she should half-heartedly hug me too, or just go. So I take her hand and I say good night, while I motion towards her; she reads me perfectly, I'm gonna kiss her on the cheek, and she motions towards me as well. But I feel kind of daring, and I angle my face the perfect way so instead of getting her cheek, I get the side of her mouth. Really close to the mouth. Like, is it the side of her lips that I am feeling right now? It's warm and soft enough that it could be. But the kiss is already over.

I turn around and leave her there, because I want to leave her confused and I want to keep my mystique.

I need to go home and think about this.

PAM:

That was weird.

What did just happen?

That was so weird.

I could swear that I just was kind of kissed by KAREN!

What? We were saying good night, and we were gonna kiss on the cheek, but I must have turned my head or something, and I think she accidentally got my lips. I am not sure. But it...it...it's like it erased EVERYTHING else around me. It felt like a wave of heat, and I forgot where I was, and who I was, and who she was...whoa! What am I even saying? Is that weird?

Well, it WAS weird! It was like there was nothing else left in the world, but that kiss.

Oh my God, this sounds so cheesy. And why am I even thinking this? Karen is a GIRL!

A girl.

But it still felt like everything else didn't exist. I think I'm just drunk. Maybe I have been single for too long, or I just miss having a boyfriend. Or maybe it's because Jim was there.

Although I was not thinking of Jim during that kiss. I wasn't thinking of anything.

I cannot remember when I felt all that just with a semi-kiss. Even when I made out with Jim, it wasn't...wait, I shouldn't be thinking about that. We're friends, and he's with Karen. Period.

Karen...

Why am I feeling like my heart is racing?

I get home and I go through my usual nightly routine, but I still feel my head spinning and all these questions forming in my head. The image of Karen can't seem to get away from my brain.

Already in my sleeping clothes, I pull out my laptop. I want to see a picture of her, I figure it's like a reality check. I need to see that it's KAREN the one who is making me feel so strange, and I need to decide that is not a big deal, and move on.

I realize that I don't have any pictures of her. We're not even friends on Facebook. I type her name into the search engine and I see that she does have a profile, but it is set to private. For one second, my heart freezes and I wonder if she will be listed as "in a relationship with Jim Halpert". But she is not. Under her information, it just says "Female".

That should be enough to keep me NOT INTERESTED in her, right? It says it very clear: female.

I click on her profile picture, which is a simple polaroid in which her eyes look very green. I want to see it up closer. But since I am not friends with her, Facebook doesn't let me see the picture, just a thumbnail.

Without thinking, I request her as a friend.

KAREN:

Oh God!

She has requested me as a friend!

Like, an hour after she has seen me! SHE has requested ME!

The only possible conclusion is that she went home and was thinking about me too. Isn't it?

I walk around my apartment, not knowing what to do. I am way too awake to go to bed yet. I am excited, overwhelmed, confused, and still drunk. I cannot understand any of the things that are happening to me in the last weeks ARE happening. But the fact that Pam just requested me as a friend kind of validates my obsession, at least in my head. It means that I have made some kind of an impact on her. That is satisfying to me, because she has certainly made an impact on me too, and I would hate for that to be one-directional.

I spend the next hour or so looking at every single detail on her online profile, stalking her pictures, looking for hints of romance between her and Jim (or her and anybody else, for that matter). It is not very enlightening, but it calms down my nerves and eventually I feel like I could sleep.

It couldn't be any other way, and I have another dream about Pam.

I am laying on my bed, in the dream, and I am wearing shorts, and I feel hot under the covers. All of a sudden, I feel a tongue that starts to slide up my leg, around my calf, very slowly up my shin. I know it is Pam under the covers. She hasn't asked me if she could do that, she just happens to be there and decides to start licking my leg. I am afraid to move, because if I move she will stop. She slides down my leg and finds my foot, and I feel very clearly how she puts her mouth around my big toe and she very softly sucks on it. Then her tongue plays in between all of my toes, and I still can't move. I want to remove the bed covers and see what she is doing, but I am afraid she will vanish.

When I wake up, I am sweaty and more confused than ever. Although there is really not much more room for doubt, I am clearly having sexual desires towards Pam.


	2. Chapter 2

KAREN:

Well, so much for that.

All those crazy thoughts and feelings that I was having, a couple of days ago...? Gone!

Well, kind of.

No, I mean, I'm totally over them. I spent some time thinking, and reasoning with myself, and I decided that my hormones must be out of control, and that is the only explanation for it.

Well, actually I have been trying to convince myself of all that. Last Friday night, we all went to Poor Richards and got drunk, and I had that weird goodnight kiss with Pam, and I couldn't really sleep, but when I did sleep I had another weird dream about her. It was really a lot to feel and to process in just one night, and the effects of it all lasted for the next two days or so.

But now it's Monday morning, it's a new week, and I'm gonna be OKAY. The Sun is shining, and as I walk to my car to go to work, the memories of my dreams and my insane thoughts (a.k.a. having the hots for PAM, no less) seem very far away.

I feel better than I have in a while, although I am a little curious about seeing her again. Well, I did look at her Facebook pictures during the weekend...actually, I looked at them so much that I memorized them. But she doesn't seem to have been online since she befriended me. I wonder what did she do Saturday and Sunday, what does she do when she is not working?

Oh wait! I'm getting sidetracked again. As I was saying, I, KAREN, feel better. And yes, I do want to see Pam, to see the contrast between reality and what I have built up in my head. That's gonna set me straight right away (no pun intended). It usually works: when you idolize something or someone, the real thing CANNOT ever stand comparison with the image you have created in your brain. So I'm looking forward to seeing Pam in the unflattering office lights, with the unflattering Monday morning face. It's going to put things into perspective. There is no way that I'm gonna find her attractive today. And that is exactly what I need.

I'm pretty dissapointed when I get to the office and I don't see Pam anywhere. I am a couple of minutes late, and she's always early, so I don't understand. I want to ask Jim if he knows where she is, but after all the lectures I've given him about Pam in the past, I don't really feel it's fair for me to bring up the subject.

Finally, somebody mentions that Michael, Ryan and Pam are in some kind of conference in Philly for the next three days.

My heart sinks to my shoes.

What? This had to happen TODAY?

Come on! The one time that I want to see her, that I NEED to see her for my mental sanity, she has to be away. I swear, somewhere in the Universe, someone is laughing at me and pointing.

These are gonna be the emptiest, most boring three days ever.

Well, hold on. I tell myself that I actually should be happy. The bitch who's been distracting me is gone, so I can just do my job and enjoy my boyfriend without losing sleep over her! right? And God knows I have been losing sleep over her in more ways than one. So, this is probably a good thing, the solution. What I have to do is concentrate my attention on Jim,

I spend the morning trying to joke with him. It feels a little forced, but it's not terrible. Every now and then, I look at the entrance, to see if anyone comes in. Maybe they come back from their trip early or something. But no one walks in.

It's weird, a week ago I would have thought that having a Pam-Free-Office would be fantastic. A lot more room to breathe and be myself, not having to keep an eye on her all the time. But now the office feels empty. I realize, even with Jim sitting so close to me, that this place is still incredibly boring, there's no color to it, nothing.

Just because, I go to the receptionist's desk, now empty. One of Pam's pink jackets is hanging from her chair. I look at it, as a testimony that she really exists and she is usually there, just not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after.

I can't help myself and I drop a pencil to the floor, next to her chair. No one will know, but it is my excuse so I can bend down and smell her jacket. I quickly smell the sleeve, and a crazy wave of memories (kiss, dream, lick my leg, touch her hip, she smiles, blue bra) hits me so violently that I almost lose my balance. I stand quicky and I have to lean on the desk for support.

I am making myself go crazy. I see where this is going.

I am mixing all of the ingredients for a very unhealthy obsession, and I am spending time and energy making sure that they grow big and take over my life. I've done it before.

I've never done it with a woman, or let me rephrase that, I have never been obsessively attracted to a woman. I have been obsessed with some of my men, I guess. I have done the online stalking thing with them, to see their pictures and stuff, sure. I have forced "chance encounters", pretending that I just happened to be where they were, so we could spend time together. I cannot recall, however, having lost my breath and my balance just by smelling the pink jacket of any of my past boyfriends. Well, obviously they didn't have pink jackets, but whatever piece of clothing they could leave behind, catching a whiff of it had NEVER made me react more than "that's nice". It was nothing compared with smelling Pam's cardigan. It stirred my senses in such a powerful way that I felt my lower abdomen pulsate, and I am aching to smell it again, I want to do that gross thing that they do on TV when they rub it on their faces, I feel it could be like my own particular drug.

I try to justify my thoughts, saying to myself that at least I'm not smelling her underwear or anything like that. It's just her perfume, so perhaps I am not as dirty as I think I am. Right?

What the HELL is wrong with me?


	3. Chapter 3

PAM:

It is definitely good to be back in Scranton.

The conference was...good, I guess. There was nothing much for me to do there, except take notes. I don't know why I must be taking notes for Michael all the time, he never uses them for anything.

Yeah, I like to be back home. I missed the people.

What, Jim? No, I didn't mean him. Well, I missed him like I missed all my friends.

Karen? Oh, yeah, that. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I was just drunk that night, and by mistake we kind of...well, kissed, but I don't think it means anything. I am not attracted to her or anything like that.

Well, I did request her as a friend, because I wanted to see her pictures and the things she likes. But that doesn't mean anything.

And well, Jim is my friend, and they are together, and I think he would be really happy if Karen and I became friends too. I see it as a sign of maturity if Karen and I can be friends.

Actually, I've always kind of felt like she hated me.

Not at the beginning, maybe. When she first got here, she was nice. Then I think Jim told her about us, about our "special friendship", and since then, I'm pretty sure she's wanted me dead. She hasn't done anything specific, but I can feel it. I usually feel her eyes on me everytime I move, especially if I am talking to Jim. And then, when we went out last Friday, she was just looking at me weird all night. It was like she was trying to tell me something, or she knew something that I didn't.

I was laughing with Jim about something, and I could see how Karen was just drinking her beer and looking at us. I kind of felt bad that she wasn't a part of our conversation. I wonder why was she staring so much, what she was thinking.

Anyway, I am back to the office now and it feels nice. Everybody has been in a pretty good mood today. Well, everybody except Karen. She didn't even come to say hi, when everybody else did, even Angela. But Karen didn't even lift her eyes from her computer. So I guess this is her new thing: she either stares at me weird, or she doesn't even aknowledge that I am in the same room.

Well, it's her loss!

Actually, no, I don't really feel that way.

Why is she acting up so much? What sense does it make, to talk to somebody one day and ignore them the next day?

Ooh! We're getting a fax. And guess who is it for? Yup, Karen. Well, this gives me a reason to walk over to her desk and talk to her. Let's see if she has the guts to ignore me, when I am just doing my job and being nice.

She is typing something and when she sees me approaching her, she quickly picks up her phone and dials something. This is ridiculous! Is she just starting a call so she doesn't have to talk to me?

I refuse to accept it.

- Karen, this is for you.

She starts saying something in French over the phone.

- Karen, did you hear me? You got a fax. I don't want to interrupt, but...

- Then DON'T- she replies. Cold and dry.

My mouth almost drops open. My hands shake a little bit as I put the fax on her desk, and I don't quite know where to hide. I wish I could dissapear. Karen just yelled at me. I cannot believe she was so rude. I...I...it's no use, I'm gonna cry.

This is so stupid.

I go to the bathroom right away, praying that no one is gonna be there. I sit down on one of the toilets, and I proceed to let the tears roll. I know, it's stupid, I am stupid. But it feels so unfair, and I honestly don't know what the hell I've done to annoy Karen so much.

I prepare some toilet paper to dry my tears as soon as they come out, in an attempt to not mess up my make up. All of a sudden, the door of the bathroom opens, and fearing the worst, I slam the door of my stall. But it's too late. Karen has followed me.

- Pam, open the door- she knocks on my stall.

I don't say anything. On one hand, I feel better that she has come to apologize (or to yell at me some more? who knows, but at least it shows she's not indifferent). On the other hand, I'm still a shaky mess and no one can see me this way, before I pull myself together.

- I said, OPEN the door. Look, I'm sorry- she pushes the door, and of course I didn't lock it. I am sitting on the toilet, and I look up at her. This position is unusual, since Karen is shorter than me. But now she looks like she towers over me, in her expensive dark suite, with her perfect hair and make up, looking down at me. Damn her.

- God, are you crying?- she asks. I can't tell if she's worried, annoyed, amused...or if she just can't believe that I am so stupid that I would cry about this.

- You were really rude- I find myself saying, between my tears.- I haven't done anything to you, and you keep treating me like I don't exist. For the last couple of days, it's like you won't even LOOK at me when I try to talk to you- I'm starting to say things and I feel that my mouth is struggling to keep up with my brain.- I really, really don't know how I can make you be okay with me. I'm sorry if I have ever done anything to annoy you. But there is nothing going on with me and Jim, and we've never been ANYTHING, and I am never going to try to steal him from you. And I wish you wouldn't hate me, but I feel that you do, I KNOW that you do, and I just...I just...- at this point, I am so overwhelmed that I break down and just keep sobbing. I'm out of breath.

Oh no! Am I gonna pass out? When I was a toddler, sometimes I would have tantrums so intense that I basically made myself pass out.

But before I can think of anything else, I realize that Karen is actually holding me. It's a sweet gesture, I guess, but her hold is firm. I don't analyze what's happening, I just accept it. It feels really good that she's holding me, maybe that means that she doesn't actually hate me. I don't know. It feels nice. For one split second, I throw my arms around her waist and rest my head on her chest, and she calmly caresses my hair, and she makes a shushing noise. I feel so incredibly comforted, like I could just fall asleep and finally rest, like everything is alright with the world.

What's happening? This is weird. I take my arms back and I look down. This is gonna get really awkward, I think.

Karen kneels down to meet my eyesight. All of a sudden, I just have these enormous eyes staring at me, like two inches away from my face. This girl has no sense of personal space, I say to myself. And also, this girl is really, really pretty up close.

- Listen to me- she says, and I get a hint of her personal scent. There's something like a vanilla smell, but it's not overly sweet. Like a vanilla scent for men.- I don't hate you. I really don't hate you. This has nothing to do with Jim.

I look down again, and I feel Karen's hand under my chin, forcing me to lift it up, and look right at her. She is REALLY close to me. All of a sudden, I remember that weird half-kiss, and I'm not so sad anymore, I'm weirdly excited. Her lips are like, right there. They look perfect. She's not wearing lipstick, just maybe some transparent gloss, but they look just perfect. And the tone of her skin is amazing, and her eyes...are they green, or yellow, or what? I wonder if she would close them if we were to k...

Wooooa! What am I thinking?

It doesn't even matter, because she just shot me a look and now she's gone.

I'm alone in the bathroom again.

No kiss, no way.


	4. Chapter 4

**KAREN:**

Oh, God, oh God oh God.

I don't know what to do with myself. I just left Pam in the bathroom, crying.

I can't believe I made her cry. And I can't believe she would cry over something like that. What is she, six? Come on!

This entire situation is ridiculous!

I breathe and I try to collect my thoughts. Okay, what has been going on here the last couple of days? Let's recap:

So Pam, along with Michael and Ryan, was away for a couple of days. And since apparently I am obsessed with her, I actually missed her in the office. And then she came back, and I had decided to start fresh with her, and be nice to her, and we could become friends. I don't know what kind of friends we could ever become, since girl-talk is usually oriented towards talking about guys, and we both seem to share interest in the same thought makes me chuckle, because truth be told, Jim is actually the last thing on my mind these days. But still, if we cannot talk about guys, and we cannot talk about Jim, what can we ever talk about? I guess if she was interested in some other guy, she could talk about him and I could listen.

But anyway, I was gonna give it an honest shot. I wanted to be her friend.

And then she came back, and I was gonna go say hi to her. And then Roy beat me to it, and I saw how she greeted him with a surly "Hey you", and they hugged, and they shared a quick peck on the lips.

It shouldn't be so surprising, right? Jim told me they used to date. They were even engaged to be married. It's no surprise they remained close friends. He missed her, she missed him, and they kiss on the lips, right? No big deal.

It bothered the SHIT out of me.

I actually got a little scared of how much it bothered me. It meant I was actually starting to care for that little idiot.

But why wouldn't it bother me? I mean, come on! Here I am, obsessing every minute over her face and her lips and her stupid naked boob, having dreams about her that leave me more frustrated than anything else, wondering where she is and when she's coming back, re-playing in my head that two seconds that I had my lips on the corner of her mouth, etc...And that big dude can just come and kiss her, just like that? Is it really THAT easy? COME ON!

Even if they're not together, he can just walk in and BAM! Kiss.

But me? No. Why? Because I'm a woman and she's a woman? I just can't go and greet her with an "innocent" peck on the lips, can I? It would be weird. Everybody would see it. And it wouldn't be innocent at all, because I don't really want to just give her a peck on the lips, no. I want to bite her lower lip, and taste it, and press her head against me, and...

Whatever. It just made me so fricking angry, that I didn't even say hello to her.

I knew it was unfair, but the fact that she would just kiss Roy like that, made her lose points in my head. Yes, it makes no sense, but since I want HER, she should be kissing nobody else but me. That's the way things should be.

So it's official, I am insane.

And it's not like I could really kiss her. I've never thought about this before, but apparently being a woman can be a problem if you want to kiss another girl. I cannot just take her to a bar and make out with her stupidly, and pretend it means nothing, like I could do if I were a guy or if SHE were a guy. Well, I guess technically I could, but I don't know how to do that. Do you go up to her and you say "hey Pam, let's go get trashed, and then I'm gonna sexually harass you? ".

It's not like everybody else isn't doing it. I mean, turn on MTV and watch any video or any show, or anything. All of the girl celebrities are kissing other girl celebrities. All teenage girls are making out. Apparently, it's very "IN" this season.

All that seems very fake to me, though, it seems mostly just for show and for attention. I don't know, I feel that if those girls really meant to kiss each other, if they really want to do stuff together, they're probably gonna do it in private first.

But what the hell do I know.

All I know now is that I had good intentions, and after seeing Pam kiss Roy, I didn't have good intentions anymore.

And yes, I have been ignoring her, and I feel selfishly proud of myself that she has noticed. And that it has bothered her.

I don't know if I wanted to bother her so much that she would cry. But in a way, it is flattering.

Oh! And did I mention that I had ANOTHER dream about her?

That's right! Another dream featuring the receptionist.

This time we were just in the elevator, and I had her cornered against the wall, and she was wearing a skirt, and I had managed to slip my hand up her skirt and I was shamelessly touching everything there was to touch in there. She was just sighing something like "so passionate, you're so passionate", or something equally cheesy. I don't know. Apparently I was a sex-machine because she seemed to really like what I was doing to her under her skirt. It probably sounds like nothing, but in my dream it was hot.

So yeah, I'm obviously still crushing on Pam.

And when she came with the fax and I told her not to interrupt...well, let's be fair, she WAS interrupting me. Interrupting my fake conversation with the imaginary French customer (I speak French and I've been told it sounds sexy, so what if I use it to impress people?). Anyway, I DIDN'T do anything to Pam. She's just a wuss who started to cry.

Of course there's a part of me that wants to protect her, like if she was a little kid. She seems to bring that out in people.

That's the part that made me follow her to the bathroom. I hate confrontation, but I couldn't just leave her crying and thinking I am this soul-less bitch. I may be one. But if we put aside all of my obsessions, I still have to work with this woman and we need to get along.

I just entered the bathroom and for a moment I wondered if I had just made a terrible mistake. What if she was actually, you know, on the toilet? But luckily, my instinct was correct, and she was just sitting down crying.

I was a little insecure about what to do, but I think I mumbled some apology. I walked to where she was, and just stood there. Weird, this was the closest we had been, physically, since the Poor Richard's night.

When she started babbling about whether I hate her, or not, or Jim, or what, and then she lost all control and started to really sob, I wasn't thinking about her being hot or not. It was beyond a sexual desire. At the moment, I just did what came natural: put my arms around her and hugged her tight.

That's what you do when somebody cries, right? You comfort them. Even if you're the one who made them cry.

It felt almost normal. Like if I had held her like that a million times before.

And then I felt her hug my waist, TIGHT, and my heart started racing. I couldn't believe it, it was almost too good. I just touched her hair and stood in my place.

But her embrace died really soon, and she looked down, and my heart was still beating really hard inside my chest. I thought: I could do something now. We're both here. She's within my reach. I could kiss her face. Kiss her tears, like they say in love songs. I could just make a bold move, and whatever happens, happens.

But I'm way too chicken for that. I just get as close to her face as I dare, but I cannot break the final barrier. It's not like it was that night. This is daytime, in a well-lit bathroom stall (it seems like a lot of the action between me and Pam happens in bathrooms, doesn't it?). I am not drunk, she is not drunk. Alcohol makes me cocky, and sobriety makes me cautious.

Still, her scent is so intense, I feel like I am melting. This is like the time I smelled her pink cardigan, multiplied by a thousand.

Anyway, we just stared at each other, I think I actually touched her face or something (who knows? I was way too nervous!). I remembered that I usually look good in short distances, and I tried to express what I was feeling at the moment, with that stare. I hope that, at the very least, it confused her.

Suddenly, I was in a big hurry to get out of there. Because my body was starting to react to the closeness, and I was about to do something stupid. And since I was not sure how any moves from my side would be received, I just left.

I'll probably have another dream tonight. It's out of my control. I know, at the very least, I'm gonna think about what just happened, I'm gonna relive that in my head a million times.

Whatever, at least in my fantasies I still have some control. Reality is getting too weird for me.


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER: The story continues. Again, the characters do not belong to me. And again, I'm not a native English speaker, so sorry about the bad grammar.

Thank you SO MUCH to all the readers and the people who reviewed it! It is really encouraging. You guys are sweet! :0)

**KAREN:**

Friday night, Barnes & Noble.

Sitting at the Cafe with my coffee anc my laptop.

Yep, my life has become so pathetic that instead of going out with my boyfriend after work, I lie to him so I can come to the Bookstore and hide from everybody.

I just wasn't in the mood to go to Poor Richard's tonight. Jim said I was an old fart for not going. Pam is going. And so is Roy.

Whatever! Maybe they can all have a threesome and leave me alone. Maybe THEN I could get over this.

I keep replaying in my head the scene we had in the bathroom, with Pam crying, and new levels of fiction are added to it everytime I replay it. Things have DEFINITELY gotten worse. I've been thinking about it so much, I have been thinking about HER so much, I'm pretty sure I've started to develope feelings for her.

Yay me. I'm a genius.

I'm falling in love with Pam, now.

I'm probably convincing myself that I am, or something. I don't know. I've just been thinking about her, and all that crazy horniness has mellowed down and turned into a weird yearning. I have been kind of depressed for the last couple of days...I guess it's because I kind of accepted that I liked her (it wasn't easy, but it was obvious). Yeah, I accepted that I am attracted to her. So, with acceptance comes a realization: I am not going to have her.

I am NOT going to have her. Ever.

This SUCKS!

Everything that goes up comes down at some point, and I have been so high lately, that now I have crashed and burned. It seems so unfair. I went by her desk today, and we exchanged some meaningless words (yes, things between us have been pretty superficial since the bathroom scene). And I looked at the little wrinkles next to her eyes and her mouth when she smiles. And I saw how a little piece of her red hair came loose from her hair clip, and she put it behind her ear. And I looked at her hands, and her fingers, and her nails, so natural looking, no nail polish. And i wanted to hold her hand. There was a little vein that I could see on her hand, and I wanted to trace my fingers on it. And I looked at her cheek, and her nose, and I wanted to softly caress her cheek with my cheek. And I wanted to run my fingers through her hair, and hug her.

And I'm never gonna get to do any of that,

See? Those are not just horny thoughts anymore. Those are the kind of thoughts that you start having when you're falling for somebody. And since I am a professional idiot, instead of repressing it, I am going for it full speed.

You may wonder what's happening with me and Jim , I guess we're still together. But I haven't spent the night with him in a long time, and we haven't even made out or anything. He asked me if everything's alright, and I said I was feeling weird, and I was terrified that he was gonna read through me and be all like:" Oh, so we're in love with the same woman now?". But I don't think he's that perceptive. I don't know. I probably should talk to him and we should break up. I'm wasting his time right now, there is no way that I am in any condition to be in a relationship with him at the moment. I'm not remotely interested in him anymore, except maybe in a friendly way. And he's a nice person, and cute, and he can do better. He deserves to at least be with a girl that is in love with him, and not obsessed with Pam.

I keep wondering if Pam is still in love with Jim or not. She is not looking at him or talking to him that often anymore. She looks at me way more than she looks at him. I notice that, but I am too afraid to read anything into it. I'm already setting myself up for failure: I'm gonna start thinking that she could be interested in me, and get my hopes up, and then get my heart broken.

I should just write it down a thousand times in a piece of paper: PAM IS STRAIGHT.

STRAIGHT.

STRAIGHT.

And me? What the fuck am I?

I used to be straight. I never had anything against people who aren't straight, but it was never a question for me. I wonder now, if I had actually opened my eyes before, would I have been straight this long?

It doesn't even matter. I don't know what I am, I can't define it right now. But I like a woman, I'm obsessed with a woman, the thought of her creates a reaction in my body WAY stronger than the thought of any man (probably because it is forbidden). I wonder if I could actually be with her, sexually, in real life. I've watched enough porn to know what you're supposed to do, but I wonder if that could be me, if that could be us.

I look down at the magazine that I have on my table. There's an ad for a perfume, and some woman is standing there naked, covering her front with a towel, but you see the side of her butt. She looks really airbrushed, well lit, against a white background. Everything is soft and perfect. Seeing this model woman doesn't really trigger any reaction from me. But what happens if I put Pam's face in that body? If I imagine that it's Pam, holding a towel, looking at me innocently in her nakedness?

DEFINITELY triggers a big reaction.

I have a crazy flash in my head: me, kneeling down behind her, with my hands on her rear, making that body mine, that skin mine, with my hands, with my face, doing things to that butt that I would NEVER have thought of doing. I don't even know where these fantasies come from or how they would end. But if it was Pam's naked butt in front of my face, yeah, I would do things to it, you can be sure.

My cell phone vibrates. I know what this is.

Yeah, it's Jim. His text message reads: 'Pick me up? I'm drunk. Sorry Filipelli".

I cringe a little bit. I don't really wanna deal with drunk Jim. If he gets all touchy-feely and wants to have sex, I'm gonna have to say no. But of course, my other thought is: woot! Pam will be there! I go there and pick him up, and I see her. Parking lot, like last time. Kiss? Maybe? What?

I text back: "Ok drunk. Be there in 15".

Sure enough, in exactly fourteen minutes I'm pulling into the parking lot of Poor Richard's. A lot of people have gone already, just Kevin, Pam and Jim are still there. I lower my window and Kevin explains that he wanted to stay with both of them, because they're both drunk.

- Are YOU drunk?- I ask Kevin.

- No. Not anymore- he responds.- But Pam and Jim are.

They look it, they're both looking kind of guilty and giggly. Pam screams "Karen!" when she sees me, and my heart jumps in stupid happiness.

- Okay, you alcoholic people: what's the deal?- I ask.

- Well, I can't drive- says Jim.- And I don't think Pam should. Either.

- You want a ride?- I ask Pam. I obviously want her to say yes. And I obviously get secretly excited when she does.

Things are happening fast. Jim gets in the back and lays down. Pam gets in the front. She's smiling, giggling, like a tipsy teenager.

- Put on your seatbelt.

- What? I...i can't- she laughs. Her coordination is clearly impaired. I reach over and grab her seatbelt with my right hand, and pull it to adjust it. My arm touches her chest. She giggles again. I mumble something about their drunken state, and they both laugh. It feels like I'm the mommy and they are the naughty kids. But I don't care, actually. It is kind of fun.

I feel very flattered that Pam is in the passenger seat of my hot car. I feel important and sophisticated driving her around, it's like SHE needs ME.

I pull out of the parking lot and head towards Jim's place. I realize I don't actually know where Pam lives.

I turn toward her to ask her, but she has closed her eyes. She can't possibly be asleep or passed out, she's probably just resting her eyes. I turn to see if Jim can be of any help. but he's also humming to himself with closed eyes in the back.

Pam accomodates her posture and leans against my shoulder.

MY shoulder.

She leans against me.

My heart jumps again. It's like we're cuddling.

I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid to breathe. I'm afraid my shoulder is too boney, or not comfortable enough, or whatever.

I don't care. All of a sudden, I wish that this drive could last forever.

I do what I usually do when my nieces lean their heads on my shoulder, and I kiss Pam's forehead. I don't know if she's gonna think it's weird or not. She just kind of smiles, but she doesn't open her eyes.

We just keep on driving for another ten minutes in that posture.

I really do wish this could last forever.

And if the events of this night weren't enough, something else funny happens.

It turns out that Pam has left her keys at the office. So it turns out that she needs to stay somewhere for the night. Of course this had to happen.

So, of course, the only possible solution: she's gonna stay at Jim's.

Of course, too, since I am HIS girlfriend, I need to stay too. I'll stay with him in his room and she'll crash on the couch, so everything will be proper and pure.

Life has a sense of humor.

I mean, isn't it messed up that I am gonna share a roof with the person that I'm obsessed with, but I will be paired up with my boyfriend, who might also be in love with her, and she might be in love with my boyfriend too? what a weird world.

Wouldn't it be easier if we could just say it all out in the open? Okay, Jim? You can sleep with Pam as long as I can sleep with her too. But maybe you just don't need to be involved at all, actually.

Yeah, we can't say those things.

At least I'm lucky: it would be worse if Jim and Pam were going to share a bed and do stuff, and I had to stay in the same house and hear it.

Anyway...

A couple of minutes later, we're upstairs in Jim's apartment. I feel like I'm the host, because he's completely useless. He apologizes for being so drunk, and stumbles over to his bedroom, and falls face down on the bed. He's out.

Pam is not doing much better.

I don't really know what to do, but I force myself to act normal. I indicate where the couch is (thankfully, it's a big cushy one), and I remember where Jim has some spare blankets and pillows.

- I just know- I keep talking, while browsing through his closet- there must be some spare toothbrushes around here somewhere.

- Thanks- Pam's voice comes soft, from the couch. She is slowly getting horizontal.

- Let me bring you some water, so you can stay hydrated...And you know where the bathroom is, right?- I keep talking.

In about three minutes, she looks ready to pass out. I dim the lights in the livingroom and I'm about to go, when she calls me to the couch. Her voice is almost unrecognizable, between sleepy and almost childlike. I realize I've never seen this side of Pam, this playful, sleepy side, and I wonder if I should be allowed to see it. Of course it's kind of melting my heart, but it should probably be reserved for her boyfriends.

I slowly walk towards the couch. She mumbles something about how I can sit down and we can hang out.

I chuckle, because her eyes are closed as she says it. But I do sit down, on the edge of the couch, wondering what's gonna happen next.

She actually puts her head on my lap and grunts, like a spoiled little girl.

I cannot believe my own luck.

I should be nervous but I just decide to take things as they come. When am I EVER gonna have the chance to stare at her face shamelessly, with her head on my lap, and play with her hair? Probably never. I mean, besides now. I very softly caress her face, touch her hair, even softly I massage her scalp with the tips of my fingers. This is like a dream. And as far as I can tell, I'm still keeping it safe, ok? this could be just two friends, like, I'm just helping her fall asleep. I'm just being nice and giving her a massage. It has nothing to do with anything else.

We stay like that, she's on my lap and I'm letting my fingers caress her head and her face in the dark, for a long time. I rest my back on the couch, and I think how this night has been the most amazing night I can remember.

She probably won't remember it tomorrow, but I don't even care. I feel we're so close right now. And look at her, she's completely asleep now...

Or so I thought.

All of a sudden, I hear her voice in a completely different tone than the sleepy one she was using before.

- You like me, don't you?

I kind of freeze.

- What?- I manage to say.

- You like me- she's not asking, she knows.

- I like you? like what?

- I think you like me a lot more than you should.

- What?- heart racing, palms sweating, me getting up from the couch. No scalp massage anymore. This sounds so stupidly cliche, but I actually say "I don't know what you're talking about".

- I don't mean it in a bad way- she says.- But why are you here, with me, instead of in bed with Jim?

- I have to go to bed- I reply.

She just smiles, like she knows I'm acting. What a bitch! She was awake? Was she tricking me? Is it really that obvious that I like her?

And why was she asking me to sit with her, and why did she put her head on my lap?

Just to trick me into being affectionate with her? To check if I was gonna try to make a move?

My face is burning. I'm actually really embarrased.

I leave and close the door. There's no way I'm gonna be able to fall asleep after this, I think, while Jim snores next to me, on his bed. This is gonna be a long night.


	6. Chapter 6

PAM:

I probably shouldn't have said anything.

Maybe she's really offended. Maybe she's never gonna talk to me again.

Oh, that is bullcrap! I'm actually not sorry I said something. I am NOT sorry.

She had it coming. Come on! There are a lot of hints that pointed to that direction: she is flirting with me. Or is she not?

God! What if i"m wrong? Did I just make a complete idiot out myself? And not just any idiot, a sexually agressive, woman-eater idiot?

Those are all adjectives that I never thought would be attached to my name. Little Pam, so innocent always.

Well, maybe I'm changing! I may have been innocent before, but I know there is such a thing as girl/girl relationships. And I'm sorry, but Karen has been acting really weird towards me. And yes, it was bothering me to the point that I actually googled some of the things that were happening. The whole "hot and cold" thing, first I ignore you, then I'm rude, then I ignore you, then I speak to you two inches away from your face, then I ignore you again. And what came up in Google is the basic rules of flirting. So, either she WAS flirting with me, or she actually does hate me. But, she actually SAID she doesn't hate me, remember? In the bathroom. Two inches from my face. When our faces were so close that I was uncomfortable.

Soooo, if she doesn't hate me, then she IS flirting with me.

And I'm sorry, but it's starting to confuse me, so I;d rather she'd just be honest and say it.

Of course, I have no idea what I would do if she just confessed to it. In fact, when I just asked her if she likes me, I had no idea what I was gonna say if she said yes. I suppose I would have to explain that I don't date girls and I'm not interested.

Yeah, I guess I would say that. Definitely.

I mean, I'm not gonna just start something with her...I'm not gonna be doing that, am I? This is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Karen, not about me. For some reason, I'm taking this in a very personal way. I'm kind of determined to prove that she likes me. Because I like being right. And because I want to see if my instincts are correct. And because it is kind of flattering that such a gorgeous woman could notice me. What? Oh, yeah, I said she was gorgeous, but i didn't mean it THAT way. I am n...I am not interested. She's the one who's interested. I think.

Am I being a bitch? Sorry, I don't want to be one. I've just been thinking about this lately and I know I'm right!

It was sweet of her to hold me, yes. It felt very, very nice. I almost forgot that I was supposed to be uncomfortable. Maybe I just like being held, or maybe there is something really different about the way she held me. She smelled so good, and her hands are very soft. Way softer than Roy's. But Roy never held me like that. It was just different. Yeah, I almost fell asleep for real.

But then I started thinking about Jim in the next room, and how weird would it be tomorrow morning if it turns out that I spent the night sleeping on Karen's lap, and that highlighted the fact that she WAS in there with me, instead of in bed with HIM. Why in the world would she do that? I thought it was pretty revealing, what she did. You don't stay up at night with some stranger you're not interested in, if your partner is waiting.I wouldn't be stroking Meredith's hair to put her to sleep, for example, if Karen was waiting for me in the bedroom.

WAIT! What did I just say?

DId I say Karen waiting in the bedroom?

I meant Roy. I mean, I meant Jim. Or like, a guy. Some boyfriend, my boyfriend.

I didn't mean Karen, I don't see her THAT way. It's not like a partner thing. Sh-she's not my girlfriend or anything.

Okay, I'm glad we are CLEAR about that.

Back to my original thoughts...I wonder if I could SEDUCE her.

How do you seduce a girl?


	7. Chapter 7

KAREN:

AAAAARRRGGHHH!

I know everytime I speak I seem to be screaming about something, or complaining, or whining. I'm sorry, but...AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! I think I'm going crazy!

That's not news, either.

Well, sorry. If I'm boring you, go find another neurotic to talk to. There's lots of us out there.

So, as I was saying, AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!

It's Wednesday,the week after we all spent the night at Jim's. You know? When Pam accused me of things that were totally true, and I freaked out because I didn't think she knew.

The next morning was awkward-fest. Thank God for Jim. Pam and I did not talk to each other, I didn't even look at her, but we could both talk to Jim. He was being nice and light, making fun of their common hangover and everything, so it saved me from having to talk to Pam.

But for some reason, it's like she not only remembers our conversation, but has evolved into a sexy kitty that comes to work all dolled up.

Yeah, you heard me right: PAM. Pam comes to work wearing this skimpy outfits now. And get a load of this: she's wearing make up. And her hair down.

The guys are having a field day with it. I've never seen more people standing next to a desk for hours, staring at a woman's cleavage for so long. Even Kelly mentioned something about Pam's outfit being awesome because it was just "the right amount of slutty".

Call me crazy, but I have this paranoia that it's all AIMED TOWARDS ME. I'm not acknowledging it at all, I'm back into full-shield mode, and I didn't give Pam a second look. That she knows of.

But i was kind of observing her when the parade of guys were there to check out her curves, and she looked pretty uncomfortable around them. So I don't think she's doing it for their sake.

I really think that she's trying to prove a point.

She's trying to distract me and prove that I like her.  
THE LITTLE BITCH!  
Well, I will die before I let her be right. I have my dignity too. I'm nobody's game to play.

Fine, it is insanely hot to think that Pam is dressing up for me. It is a mind-numbing turn-on, to think that she's put her hair down and put up a push up bra and undone three buttons to see if I care. Yes, that is hot.

Ha! Little does she know that I've already seen her boob once. She can push up those things as much as she can, I'm WAAAY ahead of the game. HA-HA.

The thought makes me feel powerful (which is nice, I never feel that way lately), so I reinforce my decision of NOT showing her that she's right. She doesn't need to know that I'm in fact, crazy about her.

I'm still a working woman. In fact, I earn more than she does, I'm more important to this company. I need to keep some self respect, and Pam needs to see that, and she needs to respect me too. So, no amount of new outfits or make up or tight little pants are gonna change that.

My resolution is going great. The next couple of days go by, and I feel like I'm doing this long-distance hand wrestling with Pam, and that I'm winning so far. She has kind of paraded herself arond my desk a couple of times, and I've even managed to look at her like I don't care, and go back to my work. So it's not like she's intimidating me and I can't hold her eye, no: this time i LOOKED, I decided I wasn't interested, and I stopped looking. That has had to burn! I...hope!

Actually, it wasn't even that hard to fake. I am not sure that I like this Paris-Hiltonized version of Pam. Too much make up doesn't look natural in her. I like to see her facial features. Once, a while ago, she brought her glasses to the office, and she had them on and a ponytail, and i think that is the cutest that a person can ever look. Just a ponytail, and glasses, and the whole natural look. I find the red lipstick kind of scary, actually.

But I'm managing to avoid her insinuations,and I'm proud of myself, and I think things are going well. That is, until Michael calls us all to the Conference Room, to discuss next week's trip to Philadelphia for the something/something/paper selling convention.

How could I have forgotten about that? Does anybody in this office even work? Ever? We're always on trips or on appreciation seminars, or celebrating birthdays, or getting drunk at the Pub!  
Michael rumbles on about all these activities that we're gonna do once in Philly. Pam is handing out a printed sheet to some of us, with an IItinerary and Schedule to be confirmed. Here comes the kick: I am going. And Andy is going. And Dwight is going. And PAM IS GOING (to take notes again?). And Jim is NOT.

I lift my eyes from the paper and I look at Pam, who is shamelessly staring at me. She rises an eyebrow, in a gesture that I can only assume she has copied from Scarlet O'Hara, and she seems to be smirking. Does this fricking girl read right through me, all the time?

OKAY! So we're going to be away for a couple of days. I don't even want to start thinking about what could happen or not happen. Instead, I should just take care of some unfinished things right now.

I need to talk to Jim.

I steal him from the Conference Room and we both sneak out of the office. I'm nervous, but we both know we have to do this. And yes, we have the break-up talk. And yes, Jim has been thinking about it too, for a while, because it is clearly not working for either one of us.

I apologize, because I haven't been invested in the relationship lately. I have been selfish and very worried only about my own problems.

Jim agrees: I have been distant and cold. I kind of get annoyed that he's so ready to tell me that I haven't been a good girlfriend, but I have to admit it's true. I would have probably been a better girlfriend if I was in love with him. But I don't tell him that.

We are both very adult and business-like about it: we hug, we smile. We agree to not be awkward at the office (we are gonna try, I swear to God I intend to try for real). I am very, very grateful that he made it this easy. I think that he must have been wanting to break up with me for a while too.

We return to the office together, and even though nothing seems to have changed, I feel lighter. Part of my guilt is gone. Now we're both single.


	8. Chapter 8

DISCLAIMER: Thanks for reading and reviewing. You are all amazing. And THIS is it, we finally have some real action happening in this chapter. I don't own any of the characters! :0) I don't own the Double Tree Hotel, or Chris's Cafe, or any other possible Philly places mentioned.

**KAREN:**

10:57 AM, on the AMTRAK train to Philadelphia.

We have been on route for about 2 hours now, and so far it is a very interesting experience. On one hand, it is actually kind of fun! Michael and Andy have been singing the entire trip, and I even joined in for a tune or two, despite the murderous looks from every other person on the train with us. I'm pretty sure they were getting ready to kill us. But they didn't have to: when the Amtrak gentleman came to collect our tickets, he also told us politely to shut up. Normally I would be mortified, but since I was not the loudest person in our little trio, I just laughed. Michael and Andy switched from singing to some traditional road games, and they're still pretty entertained. Dwight is jealous out of his mind. And Pam is taking notes and reading Cosmo, both at once.

Now for the bad news (or not-so-great news, I should say?). Pam has requested that we room together.

Yes. Just the way you hear it.

With all the recession and money problems, Corporate actually took it like a great idea. So we, the non-important people, have to share rooms: Dwight and Andy, and Pam and me. Michael, since he's the Boss, gets his own room. It's funny because I'm sure he would much rather be rooming with someone else, and party.

So...what do I have to think? What is Pam doing?

Obvious, right?

She's gonna try to do something, she's gonna trick me or prank me into telling her that I like her. After the way she's been acting, it is pretty clear. And I think she's just playing with me.

Dammit! If I could only be sure of what she's gonna try to do, I could make some defense plans of my own. The problem is, I don't know what she wants.

If she came on to me, and she was actually interested, it would be the most amazing thing that could ever happen. But if she's just curious about what I really feel about her, and she's just gonna approach me so she can get me to confess stuff, and then reject me...well, I would rather die. I cannot let that happen.

Pam is a nice girl, I think. Maybe her intentions are not all that bad. Maybe she's not this horrible bitch out on a mission to break my heart. Maybe she's just poking a little fun. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I don't know! I don't know Pam that well to know how evil she really is. We'll see. But I promise myself to keep my dignity, and I will NOT let her play with my feelings. No way.

3:50 PM, Convention Center, Philadelphia, PA.

The day is going by very fast. I'm tired. I've had to meet a lot of people and be Miss Charming with all of them. And I have done it well: I am good at my job.

No, I haven't seen Pam in hours. We went to the hotel (Double Tree, right on Broad Street. Nice! I guess Corporate decided to give us a nice room, since we're saving them money). We dropped off our stuff, I chose the bed next to the window, and we didn't even exchange words. I'm not thinking about her right now, anyway. I'm thinking about work.

5:30 PM, Convention Center.

God! When is this going to be over? We're going overtime.

Michael passes me a post-it note about how we're all going to go out tonight. Apparently, we're going to go to Chris's Jazz Cafe on Sansom street, and then back to the Double Tree for more drinks.

I'm exhausted, but the idea of drinks (lots of drinks) sounds like a heavenly dream to me. It's exactly what I need. So I smile to Michael and nod with my head. He looks happy.

11:14 PM. Chris's Jazz Cafe.

It is loud in here!

Some College kids are playing on the little stage, and it kind of feels like we have gone back in time to the 40's. But I can't complain. I'm not a Jazz nut, but I can appreciate good musicians!

Michael, Pam, Andy, Dwight, two other guys that we just met today, and me, are all sitting in one of the booths, in that order. We're drinking and screaming at each other (because it's loud!). Pam looks really pretty, I have to admit, and one of the strangers seems to think so too. She's wearing this black dress, not too short or revealing (come on, it's still PAM, dolled up or not), but the guy is definitely staring. I pretend that I don't notice, but I am not missing a beat. He better not make a move.

Right, Karen, because if he does make a move, what are YOU gonna do? Stop it? Get up and say "hands off her!". What gives you the right?

Okay, so maybe I just freaked out about this trip for no reason. Maybe Pam has no intentions of figuring me out at all. Maybe she's just gonna hook up with that random guy, like, tonight. Maybe she is not even going to come to the room that we're supposed to share. Maybe I will have to stay awake all night long, looking at her luggage, while she's in some other hotel room, making out with a dude. Maybe they will even start making out here at the table, in front of my nose. So I can really see it, and feel it like acid on my bleeding heart.

Yes, this is what happens when you set yourself up for failure. You let yourself fall for somebody, and now you can witness your own nightmare.

I don't know if there is a God to pray to about these things. But if there is one...I pray that He doesn't make me witness that tonight. I don't think I could take it.

Please, do not make me go through that.

12:30 Double Tree Hotel. Room 217.

YES! Crisis averted!

Nothing happened between Pam and the guy. Thank you, Universe.

We all left Chris's shortly after 11:30, and actually Pam went straight up to the room. I didn't want to go with her, because I didn't know what to say to her, but I was very relieved to know she was going to sleep. I stayed behind and had another Martini with Michael and Andy.

Now I'm just at the door of my room, inserting the card-key. I have to be quiet because Pam is probably sleeping by now. I'm not gonna lie, the idea of watching her sleep on the next bed is...very appealing.

I open the door, and everything is dark and quiet. I guess, more than I see, Pam's figure on her bed. I throw my purse on my bed, and head to the bathroom.

I turn on the shower, and while it runs for a couple of seconds, I look at myself in the mirror. Yep, I have the classic tipsy look. And I look good. I smile at myself. I'm still wearing my dark suit, with a light blue button down shirt. I can't wait to get out of these clothes.

And then...

Then is the moment when EVERYTHING CHANGES.

The bathroom door opens. I freak out, even though there is only ONE person that can possibly be opening it.

Pam is at the door. And she is awake. She is still wearing her black dress and her earrings, and her make up.

I open my mouth to ask her what is she doing here, and to please leave me alone, I need to take a shower, etc. She doesn't let me. She lifts up her finger and presses it to my lips. Yeah, like in the movies.

I'm shaking, at this point.

- You have been ignoring me all night- she says. She is looking right into my eyes. I desperately try to think about something to say. Some fake thing. SOME WAY, ANY WAY, out of this corner. But I feel like there's no use in faking it anymore. It seems like this is the moment of the truth.

- Yes- I admit. Her fingers are still pressed to my lips, softy, and when I speak it feels as if I was kissing them.

She brings her hand away from my face, and closes the door behind her. Then she pushes me to sit on the toilet, which fortunately has the lid down.

- Are you going to take a shower?- she asks.

I can't answer. I'm still not processing this.

- Well, I am going to take a shower- she says.

And then, I think I'm going to die. She reaches one of the straps of her dress, and slides it down her shoulder. Without breaking eye contact, she lowers it enough that I can see her black lacy bra. I tense up, in my sitting position, and I try to swallow.

Take it off.

Take it off.

TAKE IT O...

She pulls down her bra cup, and shows me her breast. I'm dead.

Pam is exposing herself to me. _PAM_, IS EXPOSING HERSELF to ME. Pam is showing me her boob.

She's standing there, with her dress half on, and her naked breast hanging out. It is bigger than it looks in clothes. The contrast with the black of the dress is more than I can take. I make my hands into fists, I am so tense.

- What, Karen? Nothing?- she asks, and I remember, she is playing with me. But at this point I cannot remember why that was a bad thing.

I don't answer.

- Don't you like me? Don't you want to see more?

Fucking teasing bitch. She's doing this way too well. Where the hell did she learn this?

- Don't you want me to show you more?- she repeats, and she pulls down the rest of the dress. The dress is around her waist now, and the bra is half-on, half off. This image is gonna be burned in my brain for all eternity, while she looks at me with that innocent air.

- Still nothing?

For a couple of seconds, we just look at each other. The tension is incredible. The water is still falling strong from the shower, and some drops are bouncing off the tub and getting on both of us.

Pam reaches out and grabs my hand. I'm still sitting down, and she's still standing.

- Come on- she whispers.- Come on, Karen.

She says my name and again, I feel like I could die.

She pulls me up, and all of a sudden we're both standing face to face. Her eye-movements are really fast, and her lips are trembling a little bit. She puts my hand on her chest. RIGHT THERE. She covers her right breast with my hand and hers, and makes me touch her. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't react, I just let her do.

She whispers "come on" again, very soft this time, and she makes my hand go down. She still has her dress half on, covering her hips, and she guides my hand underneath the dress. She places my palm right in between her legs, on top of her underwear, which I cannot see because it's covered by the dress. I can feel the warmth through the underwear. She trembles, and presses my hand hard, and sighs. The water is splashing violently in the shower, and we're still just standing next to the tub.

Pam makes my hand move. I catch the rhythm quickly, and I let my hand move. She hangs on to me, sighing even harder. I allow myself to hide my face in her neck, while she clings to me.

This is like a combination of all of my dreams about Pam. But I can't stop and analyze it. We're both getting more and more worked up, me just touching and rubbing, and her encouraging me with diverse throaty sounds.

I realize that we haven't even kissed yet.

- Why are you doing this to me?- I murmur, right into her ear, as I slide one finger inside the elastic of her underwear.

- Doing what?- she moans, more than she asks.

- Why are you PLAYING with me?

- I bought this dress for you- she says, as if that was an acceptable answer.- I bought this dress just for you to see it, just for this moment. And this bra, it's all just for you- her hands are on the back of my head, she pulls my hair.- You know you want to do this.

My own insides are burning with that confession. I want to scream, I want to explode and die. But somehow, this feels not-entirely right. I feel like she's playing a part, not being herself. And I feel like I'm being dragged into playing a part too. I'm the most stupid person in the world, because I kind of stop what I'm doing in between her legs, and I separate myself from her enough so we can look at each other's eyes.

It's hard to focus your eyes on something, ANYTHING, when you're this aroused.

- I am serious- I say. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I continue.- I need to know that you want to be with me.

- Why do we have to...talk?- I can feel her pulsating against my hand. It's obviously hard for her to talk at this time.

- Pam.

- For the love of God, why can't you just take things as they come?

- I want you to say YOU want this to happen too. It cannot be just my responsibility. - I'm sounding more articulated than I'm feeling. And she's clearly starting to get annoyed.

- Can you stop that now?

- No.

Two seconds. Her voice changes.

- Do you know I could be out there fucking anybody else, right now?

It's a slap to the face. My blood feels cold in my veins, but my cheeks are burning.

- Fuck you- I say.

- That's what you want- she replies.

I slap her across the face. Hard.

I can't believe myself.

While her mouth drops open at the surprise and the shock, I open the bathroom door, and then the room's door into the hallway. I leave slamming the door really hard. My face is burning, my ears are burning, my hands are burning, and in between my legs it burns the most.

I start practically running up and down the hallway. I'm OUT OF MY MIND. I cannot recall any other time when I've felt this mixture of anger, yearning, sexual energy, sadness and euphoria. She has just insulted me, hasn't she? The fact that she has mentioned the possibility of FUCKING anybody else, just killed me. How dare she. HOW dare she? How can she say that, being in that situation, with me?

Maybe she just said it to shut me up. Or maybe she just said it to trigger a reaction out of me. Or maybe she meant it. I don't know.

I am so fucking angry. And hurt.

There are a million things I could do, or think of right now.

But instead, I head back to the room. I slam the door open, the same way I slammed it closed before. Pam is standing in the middle of the room, in tears. I walk directly towards her, and I throw her on the bed. I throw myself on top. I shut her mouth with a kiss. A deep, intense, aggressive, real kiss. We roll on the bed. Arms, legs moving. We kiss. I kiss her. I hold her hands next to her head, and I kiss her. I'm going to kiss her for as long as I want to. I dominate every movement, every second, every sound. She liberates her arms from my holding point, and she just puts them around me and pulls me closer. I'm surprised at how tight she's holding me, but I don't want to let myself be surprised at anything: I am the boss of what's happening right now. I realize that she's not crying anymore. And that this was the second time I've made her cry.

I grab her boob, still exposed, with my hand. And I mercilessly pull at the bra, to expose the other one. I don't care if I break it. I am not being careful. I'm gonna get her naked. I touch her, I grab, I pinch, I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm going crazy. She tries to undo the buttons of my shirt and feel me up. I don't let her. She tries again. I slap her hand. She tries a third time, and I slap her breasts. She complains. I lean down and I put my mouth on hers again, and my hands seem to know precisely where to go and what to do. I just find my right hand sliding her underwear down her legs, and she is squirming to make it easier and faster. She still has the dress rolled around her waist. I just let my instinct run free. I slide one, two fingers inside her. She gasps. It feels like the most natural thing in the world to me. She arches her back. I position myself better on the bed, on top of her, and move to the rhythm we're both creating.

I feel like I know exactly what I should do.


	9. Chapter 9

PAM:

Her lips.

Her lips and her hands.

She was everywhere at once.

Her lips kissing mine. It was warm, and hard, and everything around me was turning.

The memory of that one-time kiss in the parking lot came to my head. Multiply that by a million, and you can get an idea of what it's like to be kissed by Karen. Everything else dissappeared from the world, that's what kissing her is like. I held onto her for dear life. She was like some unstoppable force. She made me hers.

I've never felt like I was somebody's, as much as I felt like I was Karen's last night. But yes, she made me hers.

When her kiss grew stronger and harder, and I felt her tongue in my mouth, I realized that my lips were already open, waiting for this. We entwined our tongues, and I thought "it's Karen's tongue. KAREN. KAREN'S tongue is in my mouth". And I just wanted more. I didn't want it to end, I know it sounds typical. But I wanted more of her kiss like somebody could want more air in their lungs.

She touched me. She touched me in THAT way. There was nothing remotely innocent about it. It was sexual. She grabbed my boobs. She wouldn't let go of them. And I felt desired. It was incredible to think that another woman could want me that badly. And not just any woman: Karen. And I wanted her too.

I know I brought it on myself, with the attempt at seduction that I performed in the bathroom. I haven't even had time to think about that and about how stupid I must have looked, stripping to try to get her to finally react to me. But it doesn't matter, because it worked!

When she came back into the room, she was in complete control, and I didn't have to pretend to be Pam the Sex Vixen anymore. She knew exactly what to do. She pushed me to the bed, and I felt excited. Was she going to force me? Was she going to be rough? How could she force me, when I've been practically begging her to do this anyway?

Her kisses, her hands, her tongue licking my neck, my face, where my cheek still hurted from when she slapped me in the bathroom before. It's probably wrong to have liked that so much, right?

I just have the memories of turning, sighing, rolling, Karen, Karen everywhere, taking my underwear off, and I want to open my legs for her, I want to be exposed, and open, and dirty, and let her do anything to me...and I finally give up and say it, out of breath, "fuck me, fuck me please, fuck me." And she goes crazy, and she fucks me. And I know this is a dimension of life that I have never seen before.


	10. Chapter 10

KAREN:

It happened. It happened. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

FOR REAL!

I am still completely hiper, and incredulous, and overwhelmed. But I have a very real hickie on my neck, still pretty visible, as a proof that this all really happened and it wasn't just in my imagination. Yes, dear world, guess what: Pam bit my neck. Pam used her teeth on me. Pam gave me a hickie.

HOT!

And I gave her hickies too. And more things. I did lots of stuff to her. HA-HA.

I have never felt this way after having sex with somebody. Ever. I feel so ridiculously happy and proud of myself that I worry I'm transforming into some weird female douchebag. Seriously! Even right after we finished, I kept looking at Pam and I couldn't get enough of the sight: I got her in bed. I, KAREN, had somehow gotten Pam interested enough to have sex with me. Wowza! If I had been a smoker, I would be smoking the "after", post coital cigarette, while crossing my hands behind my head and looking satisfied, and mumbling "you're welcome". See? DOUCHEBAG!

But that is how I felt! Is that what is like to get a hot girl in bed? You feel that good, and that proud?

No wonder guys are always trying to get women in bed, then. It feels awesome!

Usually, after the first time I sleep with someone (a.k.a. a guy), I'm always worried about the "normal" things. Did I make him wait long enough? Am I still respected? What should I say now? All those stupid topics that were burned in my head by my Mom, and by some other women and men in this society, and that even though we are in 2010, are somehow still valid...well, at least sometimes.

But after having sex with Pam, I wasn't worried about being respected or not. Somehow, I knew that_ that _was not going to be an issue. I don't feel like I gave anything up. I feel more like "that was hot, want to do it again, BRING IT ON!".

And I had to stop myself from taking a picture of her, naked in my bed, as a testimony of my accomplishment. I would obviously never share it with anybody (Who do I know that could understand what this all means, anyway?). No, I did NOT take a picture. But I would have liked to.

I would be lying if I said I got any sleep that night. I did not. Pam was out like a light, after we were done. We didn't talk about it. We just laid in the same bed, together, and she curled into my arms. That lasted until she really fell asleep, and then she left my embrace to just stretch out on the bed. That's when I simply started observing her.

I spent most of the night just looking at her, not quite believing what had happened. Her hair was spread out on the pillow, and she was still mostly naked. She looked beautiful. At least, I thought so.

I was trying to decide how I should act the morning after. I guess I could have done the typical thing, and leave the room before she woke up: that would spare us both the awkwardness. Would I leave a note on her pillow? What's the protocol here? I smiled at the fact that I did not know what to do. It didn't matter: it was a good problem to have.

In the end, it all kind of worked itself out. When it was obvious I was NOT gonna sleep at all, around 7 in the morning, I decided to take a shower. That way, when Pam woke up, she would see me all nice and clean, and that would make me feel more secure of myself. And yes, I showered. And I looked at my body in the bathroom's mirror, and I specifically observed the hickies...and I couldn't stop smiling.

When I left the bathroom, still wrapped up in a towel, it turns out that Pam was awake and looking at me from the bed, with a shy smile.

- Hey- she said.

- Good morning- I said. I started smiling like an idiot too.

We spent the entire time that it took us to get ready, just being coy like two schoolgirls. Her smile and little comments made me feel better: I took them as a sign that she didn't regret what happened last night. It was just a little weird, like we needed to learn to be with each other at this new level. Let's not forget that Pam and I weren't that close to begin with, and that I have spent the last two or three weeks half-ignoring her, half-coming on to her. And she has been playing all those seduction games (I still CANNOT believe what she did in the bathroom!). But now, we have crossed THAT line. And we need to find where we both stand, I guess. I wonder if there is even going to be a "WE", an "US".

I don't even know where I stand. But I'm enjoying all these new sensations, and Pam does look really, really cute, blushing and smiling while she puts stuff inside her suitcase. I hand her the dress that she was wearing last night (now it is just a wrinkly black mess), and she can't help but turning red, and she kind of chuckles. She says thank you, and I smile too.

Later, on the train back to Scranton, we do not sit together. I actually make a point to give her some space, so I sit with Dwight. Pam sits with Michael, and he starts to talk. Pam seems to be in a really good mood, and she laughs at the jokes that Michael makes. I'm wondering if she is in a good mood because of what happened between us. I wonder if we're gonna have to talk about this.

I guess at some point we will, but right now, I really cannot decide anything. I am too scared that Pam will "come to her senses" and freak out about our little affair. (By the way, there was notthing little about it. It was fricking GREAT).

At some point, she looks at me and she smiles. Warm smile.

I feel such a big sense of relief. And that relief comes accompanied by a new feeling, of fear. Pam smiled, and I just remembered how much I actually like her.

It is too soon to know what's going to happen... It is just too soon to tell.

KAREN:

2:27PM/Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

We are back.

Actually, we have been back in Scranton since yesterday. But since we were all exhausted from the trip, Michael gave us permission to skip the rest of the day, just go home and sleep. We all thanked him happily (well, except Dwight, who just replied that Schrutes don't need sleep, and headed straight to the office to work for the remainer of the day).

I was wondering if I had to make a move, say something to Pam before she left, ask her out or something. She seemed to be extra slow saying her goodbyes too, which makes me hope that she was just hanging around to see if I said something. But I was really tired, and I was definitely not going to be my most charming self. Besides, I actually wanted to be alone too, and THINK.

So I walked towards her while she was still talking to Andy, and I said something like "guys, I'm gonna head home. I'm dead." She looked at me and smiled, and I felt confident enough to touch her arm and add: "maybe we can get a coffee soon, or something?". And she said "yes, that sounds great!". That was all I needed.

Yeah, I practically ran home, and spent the rest of the day doing two things: sleeping, and looking at myself in the mirror (I do that a lot lately), trying to figure out who the hell I was. Who is this new Karen?

I have been so worried about what PAM is thinking or feeling, that I haven't really stopped to see what I think, and accept how my life is going to change.

Does it really have to change? Well, le's see: I just had sex with a woman. Does that mean anything?

What about the fact that I want to do it again? Does THAT mean something?

What do I do now? Like, do I have to come out of the closet and put a big "L" on my forehead? Hmmm...I don't know if I was ever in any closet to begin with, it was more like I was in limbo. I didn't crush on women for years and pretended to be straight. No, this process started just with Pam. And it feels so natural to me, what we did. Sleeping with her felt so right that I'm having a hard time reconciling it with the huge shock and distress that I always imagined would accompany a change in your sexual orientation.

I don't know how to approach all these thoughts, so I decide to make a mental list.

Okay. Things that I DON'T want to happen:

- I don't want to get my heart broken.

- I don't want Pam to decide that this was a mistake, and be awkward around me forever.

- I don't want Pam pitying me, if it turns out that I'm still interested in her and she's not interested in me.

- I don't want everyone in the office feeling sorry for me too because Pam dumped me (wow, my imagination really works fast. But hey, I really don't want that to happen! Even though Pam hasn't dumped me yet, because we're not even together...yet!).

I cannot think of anything else. Most of the things that I don't want to happen, I realize, are related to Pam and the future, whether we're together or not, and how that would affect work. But I don't seem to be terrified at the thought of admitting to have fallen for a woman. That doesn't seem to worry me that much. It's really nobody's business but mine, I guess.

I'll probably be singing a different tune when everybody knows the truth and starts judging me.

So now, at exactly...2:34 PM the next day, yes, we are back at the office. And I haven't had a chance to have that coffee with Pam yet. All the salesmen have been busy, including me, and the memories of my night of passion with the receptionist are starting to fade away a little, so I have to wonder if it really happened the way I remember it.

I start feeling a little down. Pam is probably forgetting what happened too. She's probably freaking out. She's probably wondering how to tell me that she is sorry, she wasn't herself that night, she doesn't understand how she could have done those things with me, etc etc. I am starting to get depressed.

All of a sudden, my computer beeps. It's the Messenger.

Message from PBEESLY:

"_Did you know that that night you actually made me come?"_

I snort. Loud. And then I receive another message:

_"...TWICE?"._

I obviously look at her desk, and see how she's pretending to be hard at work on something on her computer's screen. Hah! Well, she has done something hard: make me go from worried and busy to turned-on, in about 5 seconds.

I made her COME? TWICE?

Notice the spelling of "come". Pam's still a good little girl. She wouldn't type "C", "U", "M".

I almost want to scream, I want to gloat. I wanna go around telling everybody, "Guess who made Pam come twice, with these two hands?". But that'd be an asshole thing to do, so I won't.

Twice, huh? I rock.

"_Reeeally," _I type back. "_No, I did not know that."_

I think I should probably make some smart remark, but I cannot think of anything, so I just send her another message saying "_Tell me more_".

I see her smile, but she still won't look at me. This is really fun, actually. All of my fears are lifting away.

Message from PBEESLY:

_"No way. I'm not an Erotic Chatline. You're not gonna get dirty details from me :0p"._

She's being cute and flirty. I better step it up. I type_: " But I've already seen YOUR dirty details"._

_"Not all of them". "There's more"._

Hmmm...I can only imagine. Who knew Pam was a wiz at Messenger Flirting? I type: "_You know I'm gonna see all of your details. You're begging to show them to me"._

Message from PBEESLY:

_" It's not that easy. This time it's gonna cost you"._

Before I can think of something sassy and sexy to reply, Michael's voice brings me back to reality. Party Planning Committee, Conference Room!

Sadly, I must abandon the virtual back and forth we have going on, and go to the Conference Room. But I don't get to be sad for too long. All the ladies sit around the table and Michael sits at the head. And Pam, sitting right in front of me, looks very prim and proper, taking notes.

I feel her foot touching my calf, her toes sliding a little up my pant's leg. Yes, world: Pam is playing footsies with me.

This is unbelievable. Well, unbelievably hot.

I try to keep a serious face, while wondering again where is this crazy Pam coming from. Who knew she had this in her? Apparently, I've unleashed a beast.

I smile at the thought. But she needs to stop it, or somebody is gonna see. Or I'm gonna start heavy breathing. Or I'm gonna throw her against the wall and...wait, what did Michael just asked me? I have no idea, but I answer "absolutely", just in case. They all look at me like I'm an idiot. Pam smirks, and I see her lean on her chair a little. Next thing I know, her bare foot is exactly on my crotch. Just for one second, but it is. She says: "Karen, are you okay? You sound a little distracted. I could go over the _details_ with you, if you wanted".

I want to laugh but I'm too aroused for that. Instead, I squint my eyes at her.

This flirtation is really, really fun, yes.


	11. Chapter 11

KAREN:

The last days have been a roller coaster. It's like my life has exploded, or like somebody put me in a rocket ship and sent me up, and now it can't stop. Not that I am complaining. But I haven't lived this much, I haven't experienced so many new things so quickly, in years. Or ever.

Pam and I are caught up somewhere in between serious infatuation, complete insanity, and dumb love (that part might be just me). We both keep jeopardizing our jobs on a daily basis, doing all kind of unthinkable things on office grounds.

It is exactly what you're thinking.

We do it anywhere and everywhere. All the time, now.

After she put her foot on my crotch during a MEETING, I kind of caught her drift. And now I have to control myself not to be all over her everytime I see her. Which is painfully often.

I never knew I could be this horny octopus, but apparently, I am, and she doesn't seem to mind. I'm all hands, and she lets me. We constantly go to the bathroom to make out. We hide on the corner behind the vending machines, and we make out, and I touch her. When she's in the kitchen looking for something in the fridge, I go behind her and I slip my hand up her shirt, and inside her bra, and I pinch her nipple. Right there, in the middle of the kitchen! What if anyone walks in? We're clearly not thinking about the risks.

There's more of this, there's a thousand things we do. I grab her butt in the elevator, when we're both going up with a whole bunch of people. She corresponds by putting her hand between my legs, on top of my dressy pants. We kiss anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE, the second we have a chance. We kiss sitting down, we kiss standing, we kiss and she puts her leg around me and presses me close to her body, and I can feel her pounding, and we kiss some more. There has even been some straddling action on the couch in the women's bathroom, some _dry humping_, if you will. We couldn't really lose all the clothes for that one, there was no time, but we did end up rolling down to the floor. It's like that everyday. I have to check up my hair and make up all the time now, because it gets messy during our fits of passion.

The only thing hotter than having Pam against the wall, and lifting her cardigan and shirt, and liberating her breasts, so I can kiss and lick and nibble on them, is when Pam is the one who starts getting herself naked the moment she sees me. It's like she cannot wait, and that makes me click, everytime. I like to be in charge, I feel at my most comfortable when I'm taking the lead. But it helps when she's trying to make it easier. Then I know I'm doing things right.

We haven't been able to talk much outside of work, because her mother is staying with her for a few days. So, after 5 PM, she has to go back home and do family stuff. At first I had a paranoid moment when I thought she was making up an excuse so she wouldn't have to talk to me in private, out in the real world. Yeah, she could just have her fun making out with me and feeling me up, and turning it on and off with me, and making me lick her finger right after she touched herself...(yes, she did that. She actually put it in my mouth, right after she had put it inside her c...OK, not talking about this right now). But anyway, I felt better when I saw her mom waiting for her in the parking lot. Pphew! So it was not just an excuse. It was true.

We're not really going all the way in every encounter (that would be impossible, considering the time it takes to properly touch and be touched by a woman), besides, we're having these encounters like, fourteen or fifteen times a day. What are we, animals?

Well, pretty much. Yeah.

But as I said, we're not going all the way. It's more like a neverending game of turning each other on as much as we can, and be really dirty, and make out. We make out a LOT.

Hmmm! My life is pretty good, if you ask me.

Pam is trying to make advances on how much I let her touch me. I have been thinking about this, and trying to figure out why I have some issues with it. Obviously, it has to do with me relinquishing my control of things.

After doing some internet research (if you can call it that), I guess you could conclude that in our relationship, I am the top and Pam is the bottom. I don't really like labels, but someway this makes sense to me. There has to be some kind of a balance, even if we're both women, there has to be SOME kind of a Ying/Yang thing for it to work. I am obviously more active, and she is more passive. I am more masculine (although I do not intend to become a "stud", thank you very much). She is more girly. In fact, I think her girly, innocent ways were part of what first attracted me to her. It stirred something in me, the "top" part, the part that wanted to protect her... the part that could never be awaken by a guy, because no guy was ever gonna be more feminine than me, no guy was ever gonna make me feel strong, powerful, and capable of protecting him. (At least, no straight guy that I could sexually be with). But Pam did stir up all of those things in me. I think they were probably in me the whole time, just dormant.

Anyway, after I noticed her and became obsessed, and especially after we slept together, it all fell into place. Yes, it feels very, VERY good to be in that situation with Pam, to be in control, to be the guide. I think it is something that I have an amazing instinct for, I just never knew before.

That may be why I have my guards up when Pam tries to touch me.

Oh, she has been making some progress. She has managed full access to my boobs everytime she wants, (believe me, she is using that access a lot), and she does seem to have a fascination with touching me between my legs, but...how do I say this? Well, there's always been some cloth still on. She hasn't been "in" yet. I haven't let her.

No, I don't know why I'm not letting her. It's not like I don't like it: I lose sight of everything else when she's touching me! And that's the part that I don't like. I feel like I shouldn't be the one receiving the attention, I feel like I should be in control (again, control freak!), and aware of everything at all times. Everytime that I let her touch me, I feel a reversal of roles that confuses me, and makes me feel insecure. And I hate that I'm using the word "roles", because probably there shouldn't be any at all. But this is the way things are.

What if...what if I were to let go, and trust Pam completely, and let her do anything she wanted to me? What if I allowed myself to do that, and when I came back to my senses, she was gone? Not literally, but metaphorically, in this relationship we're having (whatever it is). What if things shifted? What if I gave myself to her completely, and she broke my heart?


End file.
